The Next Day
Sunday, the kids and I went to church and when we came home, there was my wife, acting like nothing had happened. I asked her to leave, she wouldn't.. I tried to pack up the kids and leave but they were wanting to see Mom and I didn't want to break their hearts.
At 5:30 or so, Chuck called and asked if Jana was there. Not "hello, this is..." not "Hi, D___".. just "is ___ there." I handed her the phone and there was some weird conversation. She hung up and said they wanted to see her. I figured it was about last night and was a bit surprised a few moments later when Jamie called me and asked me to come down too.
When I arrived, all four of stood in their hallway with their eldest son. I spent the next hour listening to a 14 year old make accusations that I couldn't believe. Since that moment, there has been evidence to show he was lying, trying to get out of trouble with his parents.
I called my parents-in-law and asked them to meet me at the house. I told them everything that had gone on and the accusations made - and asked her to leave. She denied the accusations but came clean on lots of other garbage she had lied about - everything from drinking to smoking to ...
Friday, June 29, 2007
6. The World Disassembled
Once again tonight sleep escapes me. I thought often about how I need to put my thoughts down in some desperate need to stop the "Oh, Sweet Jesus this can't be happening" moments. My thoughts (like my emotions) are all over the place and I just can't seem to get a grip on them.
To bring the world up to speed, I did wait for her to make one more mistake. I had no idea how devastating that mistake was. I now understand things I never understood before - I now know how a man can be 'driven to drink' from the pure stress of a situation. I now understand how some men snap and go on an unmitigated rampage destroying anyone in their way.
Saturday
The Birthday Party
She had her keys and took the kids to an 11AM birthday party here in our small town. These usually last an hour or two, but she didn't get home until 4:30. I left for an hour to help my brother in law do some outside electrical wiring, but when I came home, it wasn't 3 seconds before I smelled the alcohol and saw the alcoholic behavior of trying too hard to act 'normal.'
I told her I smelled it, she denied it. We went inside and I reminded her I could tolerate a lot, but I couldn't tolerate lying about her problem. If she was honest we could work on a resolution - a slip wasn't the end of the world, but dishonesty was pretty hard to overcome.
Sex as a Tool/Weapon
We talked for some time and true to form, she tried to use sex as a tool. She had become quite good at manipulating me through the use of sex, whether having it or withholding it. It took me a while to figure out I was being manipulated but I did catch on. This night, she wanted sex and I gave in. Afterwards, I stepped into the shower and within 5 minutes of having sex, she announces she is going to go on a walk before dark.
The "Quick Walk"
An hour and fifteen later and she still wasn't home. One of the little boys who comes to our house asked me to carry his brother's toy home because it was too big for him to manipulate. I did - and as I turned the corner I saw her sanding in a guys garage/driveway. He saw me and said something to her, she spun around and jumped like she was caught and came toward me in a hurry. I knew nothing I could say should be said in public so I turned and went back home.
She followed, but then didn't' come in for 15 more minutes.
We talked. I asked her to pack her things - that I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't take the lies and the dishonesty anymore. She begged and I said she had only one other option. She needed help. If she agreed to go get professional help I wouldn't kick her out. She also had to agree to a new set of house rules: No Alcohol. No cigarettes. Since she didn't have a job, she needed to do the house-wife type things of keeping the house and laundry caught up, and she needed to attend parenting classes. She agreed but said she needed to clear her head. She asked for her car keys, but I said it would be irresponsible of me since I knew she had been drinking earlier. I said she could pick any room in our house and I wouldn't disturb her.
The Great Disappearing Act
At 8:45 she said she walked outside. I left her alone as I said I would, but at 10:00, the kids wanted to kiss Mom good night. I walked outside the house, as had the kids.. she wasn't there. I checked the cars, the shed, even the storm shelter.. nothing.
I walked the neighborhood. My daughter at home with one walkie-talkie and I with the other - after 20 minutes I hadn't found her. I came home and got in the truck and (still talking with my daughter) drove out side our edition toward her parents house... looking in the culverts and ditches. Still nothing.
At 10:30 I called her best friend and asked if she had heard from her. The friend said no, but I should check "Chuck and Jamie's" since that's all my wife had talked about for three months was "Chuck & Jamie, Chuck & Jamie.." (Note this comment, it will become important in a moment.)
I called - got no answer.
I walked down there with my six year old - my son had cried himself to sleep already. On the way down to "Chuck & Jamie's" - my daughter said some pretty adult things. "Daddy, I know Momma hurts herself a lot and I'm afraid she's going to die" and "Momma often says 'don't tell Daddy' - and then she does something she isn't supposed to do. Today we didn't come home after the party at ____'s house, we went to Mimi and Papas. (Her parents, and they were out of town.)
She went in the house but told us not to tell you. She didn't get a beer, but she got something else. I told my daughter that if anyone ever told her "not to tell" - she was to tell me immediately. No matter what it was, she wouldn't be in trouble. If someone tells you "don't tell" they're probably doing something wrong."
Wouldn't Come Home
We arrived at "Chuck & Jamie's" and sure enough, my wife was there - hiding behind some tool chests. There were two couples there, Chuck and Jamie and the man she was standing with earlier (and his wife.) They had seen me walk by before, but chose to let my wife hide. My daughter said "there you are Mommy! Daddy and I have been walking the neighborhood looking for you... Come home Mommy..." My wife was sitting there with an ashtray and a Bud. It was clear she was glassy eyed and drunk.
My wife refused.
I looked at her and said aloud, "its time to come home. Your son wants to kiss you good night, your daughter has been worried about you.. and we haven't heard from you for two hours."
"Later."
After several minutes of saying "Lets go home" I offered, "if it is a matter of you can't stand up, I'll carry you, that's no problem"
She still refused and so I finally said "Listen, I've tried to be nice about this. You're an alcoholic and an addict. You're on medication that clearly states on the bottle 'DO NOT MIX WITH ALCOHOL' because it will drop your blood pressure and could kill you. Its time to go home, now."
She still refused, so I took my daughter home. Called her best friend as she requested.
At 11:30, the best friend came and physically removed her from the residence. My wife couldn't walk and took a header into the driveway. The friend took her to her parents home and babysat. My wife, in her drunken stupor, pulled out a kitchen drawer and urinated in it.
To bring the world up to speed, I did wait for her to make one more mistake. I had no idea how devastating that mistake was. I now understand things I never understood before - I now know how a man can be 'driven to drink' from the pure stress of a situation. I now understand how some men snap and go on an unmitigated rampage destroying anyone in their way.
Saturday
The Birthday Party
She had her keys and took the kids to an 11AM birthday party here in our small town. These usually last an hour or two, but she didn't get home until 4:30. I left for an hour to help my brother in law do some outside electrical wiring, but when I came home, it wasn't 3 seconds before I smelled the alcohol and saw the alcoholic behavior of trying too hard to act 'normal.'
I told her I smelled it, she denied it. We went inside and I reminded her I could tolerate a lot, but I couldn't tolerate lying about her problem. If she was honest we could work on a resolution - a slip wasn't the end of the world, but dishonesty was pretty hard to overcome.
Sex as a Tool/Weapon
We talked for some time and true to form, she tried to use sex as a tool. She had become quite good at manipulating me through the use of sex, whether having it or withholding it. It took me a while to figure out I was being manipulated but I did catch on. This night, she wanted sex and I gave in. Afterwards, I stepped into the shower and within 5 minutes of having sex, she announces she is going to go on a walk before dark.
The "Quick Walk"
An hour and fifteen later and she still wasn't home. One of the little boys who comes to our house asked me to carry his brother's toy home because it was too big for him to manipulate. I did - and as I turned the corner I saw her sanding in a guys garage/driveway. He saw me and said something to her, she spun around and jumped like she was caught and came toward me in a hurry. I knew nothing I could say should be said in public so I turned and went back home.
She followed, but then didn't' come in for 15 more minutes.
We talked. I asked her to pack her things - that I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't take the lies and the dishonesty anymore. She begged and I said she had only one other option. She needed help. If she agreed to go get professional help I wouldn't kick her out. She also had to agree to a new set of house rules: No Alcohol. No cigarettes. Since she didn't have a job, she needed to do the house-wife type things of keeping the house and laundry caught up, and she needed to attend parenting classes. She agreed but said she needed to clear her head. She asked for her car keys, but I said it would be irresponsible of me since I knew she had been drinking earlier. I said she could pick any room in our house and I wouldn't disturb her.
The Great Disappearing Act
At 8:45 she said she walked outside. I left her alone as I said I would, but at 10:00, the kids wanted to kiss Mom good night. I walked outside the house, as had the kids.. she wasn't there. I checked the cars, the shed, even the storm shelter.. nothing.
I walked the neighborhood. My daughter at home with one walkie-talkie and I with the other - after 20 minutes I hadn't found her. I came home and got in the truck and (still talking with my daughter) drove out side our edition toward her parents house... looking in the culverts and ditches. Still nothing.
At 10:30 I called her best friend and asked if she had heard from her. The friend said no, but I should check "Chuck and Jamie's" since that's all my wife had talked about for three months was "Chuck & Jamie, Chuck & Jamie.." (Note this comment, it will become important in a moment.)
I called - got no answer.
I walked down there with my six year old - my son had cried himself to sleep already. On the way down to "Chuck & Jamie's" - my daughter said some pretty adult things. "Daddy, I know Momma hurts herself a lot and I'm afraid she's going to die" and "Momma often says 'don't tell Daddy' - and then she does something she isn't supposed to do. Today we didn't come home after the party at ____'s house, we went to Mimi and Papas. (Her parents, and they were out of town.)
She went in the house but told us not to tell you. She didn't get a beer, but she got something else. I told my daughter that if anyone ever told her "not to tell" - she was to tell me immediately. No matter what it was, she wouldn't be in trouble. If someone tells you "don't tell" they're probably doing something wrong."
Wouldn't Come Home
We arrived at "Chuck & Jamie's" and sure enough, my wife was there - hiding behind some tool chests. There were two couples there, Chuck and Jamie and the man she was standing with earlier (and his wife.) They had seen me walk by before, but chose to let my wife hide. My daughter said "there you are Mommy! Daddy and I have been walking the neighborhood looking for you... Come home Mommy..." My wife was sitting there with an ashtray and a Bud. It was clear she was glassy eyed and drunk.
My wife refused.
I looked at her and said aloud, "its time to come home. Your son wants to kiss you good night, your daughter has been worried about you.. and we haven't heard from you for two hours."
"Later."
After several minutes of saying "Lets go home" I offered, "if it is a matter of you can't stand up, I'll carry you, that's no problem"
She still refused and so I finally said "Listen, I've tried to be nice about this. You're an alcoholic and an addict. You're on medication that clearly states on the bottle 'DO NOT MIX WITH ALCOHOL' because it will drop your blood pressure and could kill you. Its time to go home, now."
She still refused, so I took my daughter home. Called her best friend as she requested.
At 11:30, the best friend came and physically removed her from the residence. My wife couldn't walk and took a header into the driveway. The friend took her to her parents home and babysat. My wife, in her drunken stupor, pulled out a kitchen drawer and urinated in it.
Monday, May 28, 2007
5. The End...and a new Beginning.
My wife went with her family to the lake. I needed the break from her, so I spent 5 days here alone in our house. I struggle with the decisions I have to make, but quite honestly - I don't see I have any decision other than to end this before she hurts one of our kids.
I no longer trust anything she says - and I can only believe she wants a divorce despite her protests. Before she left I said to her, "you know... not so long ago I worried about ending up alone... never finding another person to share my life with. I don't worry about that anymore. There is bound to be someone, somewhere who will love me for me. There's bound to be someone, somewhere who wants a husband who brings flowers and does the laundry. Someone, somewhere might want a husband who will brush your hair or hold it for you when you're sick. Somewhere, someone will want me.. even if I did get hit by every branch when I fell out of the ugly tree."
I have to work out logistics. I have two kids and no daycare. My folks aren't living here full time yet. I work from 8 until 6 every night... and I'm paying on $93,000 medical bills. I've got a great job, but supporting a family of four on my salary alone, a new home, and the 93K in medial bills has my budget pretty locked up. I feel trapped by logistics - but with summer here, I'm going to ask my Mom if she will babysit all day 5 days a week until I can work something else out.
Once I have that in place, I can ask her to leave. There is a part of me that feels like I should allow her to make one final mistake so there is no possibility of rationalizing it. I expect that will take a couple of weeks at most.
I no longer trust anything she says - and I can only believe she wants a divorce despite her protests. Before she left I said to her, "you know... not so long ago I worried about ending up alone... never finding another person to share my life with. I don't worry about that anymore. There is bound to be someone, somewhere who will love me for me. There's bound to be someone, somewhere who wants a husband who brings flowers and does the laundry. Someone, somewhere might want a husband who will brush your hair or hold it for you when you're sick. Somewhere, someone will want me.. even if I did get hit by every branch when I fell out of the ugly tree."
I have to work out logistics. I have two kids and no daycare. My folks aren't living here full time yet. I work from 8 until 6 every night... and I'm paying on $93,000 medical bills. I've got a great job, but supporting a family of four on my salary alone, a new home, and the 93K in medial bills has my budget pretty locked up. I feel trapped by logistics - but with summer here, I'm going to ask my Mom if she will babysit all day 5 days a week until I can work something else out.
Once I have that in place, I can ask her to leave. There is a part of me that feels like I should allow her to make one final mistake so there is no possibility of rationalizing it. I expect that will take a couple of weeks at most.
4. Living (sort of) with an addict.
Although she had OD and had developed a problem with liquor, I thought she was doing pretty well. Several weeks of being clean - she had her keys back. Her brother and sister in law we're in a fight and she went to spend the evening consoling him.
The Men and the Liquor
That night, she left a family birthday party to "console her brother." I left a bit later and said I was on my way over to lend aid and comfort.. and she said 'no, they were just going to drive around.' Ok.. I figured they wanted brother/sister time. At 9:30, they came to the house and I figured they were coming to veg for a bit. She said she came home to use the restroom, and they were going to drive around a bit longer.
Turned out, the reason she told me "no" was because they were going to a local Mexican restaurant here in our local town where she knew she could get a beer. She only came home to get money she had stolen from my wallet earlier and she and her brother planned to go to a club.
At 12:30AM when I hadn't heard from them, I called her cell. At 1:00, and 1:15, I called again. Since she said they were just 'driving around' and I still hadn't heard from them, at 1:30AM I drove the roads between our house and where her brother was staying, 1.5 miles away. Nothing.
1:45, 2:00, and 2:15 - no answer. Finally at 2:30AM her brother answered her cell phone and he was drunk. She finally got home at 3:15AM - and then began yelling at me. She told me I had no right to be upset with her that she could do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted.
It took several days for the truth to come out. When her father learned of what had happened, he chewed his son up one side and down the other. You see, her brother knew she had a problem with alcohol.. he knew she was an addict. He didn't care, he did what he wanted to do. He called the next day and apologized.... and spilled the beans.
Not only was her brother there, but she called her best friend to join her. The problem for her is this: she lied (no surprise) and told me she didn't think to call me.. it was a spur of the moment decision and her brother wanted to do it.
Her brother didn't see it the same way. He told me it was her idea, and he wanted me to go too, but she didn't. He also told me about some guy she was dancing with and how she disappeared for periods of time.
She finally told me she danced once with 'some guy' - but her best friend said it wasn't one dance.. it was all night and they were dancing 'close.' Later I found out she left the bar, and went with some guy on the back of his motorcycle. Since she lied about it to begin with, then lied about the details once I knew of it, and only finally confessed to the rest of things once confronted with evidence.. her protests of innocence were completely lost.
To this day, I don't buy her story of I didn't touch another guy. Too many lies.
I told her all the lies she had told - even though I had stood with her through every ordeal.... had changed our relationship. I reminded her, I never called her names, I never said she was stupid, I never demeaned her in anyway - I did everything in my power to keep her from prison, and I had spent many hours holding her hand as she went through withdrawals. I had loved her and taken care of her - and she still couldn't be honest with me. I could work with her through the addictions and the alcoholism - but not the lying.
Six weeks ago her phone beeps with a new text. I opened it for her (as we often do with each others phones) and was going to tell her to call whoever texted her. Imagine my surprise when I see a reply in her received texts... to "Hey Baby."
I then see a whole long back & forth of texts to and from a local teenager. "Hey baby" and "love you" - all of a sudden some things that I had noticed at home made sense. Several of the local teenager boys were just walking into our house liked they owned it. No knocking, no doorbell... and when they came in, if I was there, they asked "Is ___ here?"
I then found a stain on our bedspread - no proof, but it was a semen stain. I can't say it wasn't mine, but knowing the infrequency of our love life - I certainly didn't remember it. She swore it wasn't what I thought it was, and that the text messages were innocent... but after three weeks of cold showers she wanted to 'make it up' to me by having sex. Later I made some comment how long it had been, and her reply (honest to God) was "Relax! Its only been three days."
I asked "three days for whom? Certainly not me. You care to explain?"
With the addiction, the alcoholism, and her continual pleas to remain married, I told her there was no trust left. If she had nothing to hide, then hide nothing. If she wanted me to stay after all the crap she pulled and the lies she told - especially involving men.
She hasn't - and she OD'ed again last Sunday night. She downed 15 Xanax all at once. When I found her, she was still awake, but obviously in trouble. I poured syrup of ipecac down her throat and made her throw up the pills.
I told her I'm done. I no longer feel what I should feel for my wife. I told her the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy. I said I have three kids - one of them is just in her 30s and is incredibly selfish. I said I had done everything possible as a husband, as a friend, and as a man to help her. I could walk away now and not feel guilt or have attacks of the "what if I had done____."
I told her she doesn't want to stop, she just wants to stop getting caught.
The Men and the Liquor
That night, she left a family birthday party to "console her brother." I left a bit later and said I was on my way over to lend aid and comfort.. and she said 'no, they were just going to drive around.' Ok.. I figured they wanted brother/sister time. At 9:30, they came to the house and I figured they were coming to veg for a bit. She said she came home to use the restroom, and they were going to drive around a bit longer.
Turned out, the reason she told me "no" was because they were going to a local Mexican restaurant here in our local town where she knew she could get a beer. She only came home to get money she had stolen from my wallet earlier and she and her brother planned to go to a club.
At 12:30AM when I hadn't heard from them, I called her cell. At 1:00, and 1:15, I called again. Since she said they were just 'driving around' and I still hadn't heard from them, at 1:30AM I drove the roads between our house and where her brother was staying, 1.5 miles away. Nothing.
1:45, 2:00, and 2:15 - no answer. Finally at 2:30AM her brother answered her cell phone and he was drunk. She finally got home at 3:15AM - and then began yelling at me. She told me I had no right to be upset with her that she could do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted.
It took several days for the truth to come out. When her father learned of what had happened, he chewed his son up one side and down the other. You see, her brother knew she had a problem with alcohol.. he knew she was an addict. He didn't care, he did what he wanted to do. He called the next day and apologized.... and spilled the beans.
Not only was her brother there, but she called her best friend to join her. The problem for her is this: she lied (no surprise) and told me she didn't think to call me.. it was a spur of the moment decision and her brother wanted to do it.
Her brother didn't see it the same way. He told me it was her idea, and he wanted me to go too, but she didn't. He also told me about some guy she was dancing with and how she disappeared for periods of time.
She finally told me she danced once with 'some guy' - but her best friend said it wasn't one dance.. it was all night and they were dancing 'close.' Later I found out she left the bar, and went with some guy on the back of his motorcycle. Since she lied about it to begin with, then lied about the details once I knew of it, and only finally confessed to the rest of things once confronted with evidence.. her protests of innocence were completely lost.
To this day, I don't buy her story of I didn't touch another guy. Too many lies.
I told her all the lies she had told - even though I had stood with her through every ordeal.... had changed our relationship. I reminded her, I never called her names, I never said she was stupid, I never demeaned her in anyway - I did everything in my power to keep her from prison, and I had spent many hours holding her hand as she went through withdrawals. I had loved her and taken care of her - and she still couldn't be honest with me. I could work with her through the addictions and the alcoholism - but not the lying.
Six weeks ago her phone beeps with a new text. I opened it for her (as we often do with each others phones) and was going to tell her to call whoever texted her. Imagine my surprise when I see a reply in her received texts... to "Hey Baby."
I then see a whole long back & forth of texts to and from a local teenager. "Hey baby" and "love you" - all of a sudden some things that I had noticed at home made sense. Several of the local teenager boys were just walking into our house liked they owned it. No knocking, no doorbell... and when they came in, if I was there, they asked "Is ___ here?"
I then found a stain on our bedspread - no proof, but it was a semen stain. I can't say it wasn't mine, but knowing the infrequency of our love life - I certainly didn't remember it. She swore it wasn't what I thought it was, and that the text messages were innocent... but after three weeks of cold showers she wanted to 'make it up' to me by having sex. Later I made some comment how long it had been, and her reply (honest to God) was "Relax! Its only been three days."
I asked "three days for whom? Certainly not me. You care to explain?"
With the addiction, the alcoholism, and her continual pleas to remain married, I told her there was no trust left. If she had nothing to hide, then hide nothing. If she wanted me to stay after all the crap she pulled and the lies she told - especially involving men.
She hasn't - and she OD'ed again last Sunday night. She downed 15 Xanax all at once. When I found her, she was still awake, but obviously in trouble. I poured syrup of ipecac down her throat and made her throw up the pills.
I told her I'm done. I no longer feel what I should feel for my wife. I told her the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy. I said I have three kids - one of them is just in her 30s and is incredibly selfish. I said I had done everything possible as a husband, as a friend, and as a man to help her. I could walk away now and not feel guilt or have attacks of the "what if I had done____."
I told her she doesn't want to stop, she just wants to stop getting caught.
3. Second verse, a little bit louder, a little bit worse?
The only reason I finally asked my wife out was because her Mom worked so hard to get us together I finally wanted to get her to stop. I figured she was under as much pressure from Mom as I was - so I felt pretty confident I wouldn't get shot down asking her out.
We went out, much to my surprise, as I kissed her hand good-night, she said she wanted to do it again. After I figured out it was impolite to stand there with my jaw open, I smiled so big it must have taken up 3/4 of my face.
On date 3, she told me she knew I was the right man for her. I choked - literally.
Of course, months later when it came down to it, I told her I loved her - and she replied "thank you." I should have known then.
It wasn't until weeks later she said those words to me, but... after a year of dating, I asked her father's permission, and a few days later I asked her to marry me in front of her entire family on Christmas morning. We got married and for six years we were incredibly happy. No joke - we never had a single argument.... not one.
A year after our son was born, she told me she wanted to have breast augmentation. She didn't ask what I thought, she simply made an appointment and went. She went to the surgeon next door to her office. It messed with me. She made such a monumental decision without even asking me, and when I asked her to reconsider, she refused. Since she refused to reconsider, I asked if she would at least choose a female surgeon... she refused that, too.
I can honestly say (though reading it here may sound trivial) - the decisions she made hurt more than the divorce. At least with the divorce, I knew she was mentally ill and that is why she tried to hurt me. This? This was being done by someone who purportedly loved me - but so completely marginalized me that I knew I no longer mattered.
The week of the surgery, she told me if I said "no" then she wouldn't but that she wouldn't forgive me. I replied " You know, I've never believed a man should rule over his wife. I believe everything should be a joint decision - a 50-50 partnership. If you feel so strongly about this you ignore my pleas, it doesn't matter what I say now. If I say 'no' - then you'll hold it against me for the rest of our lives. If I say 'yes' - I'm afraid I'll be haunted by it for the rest of my life. I've share with you my fears, my weakness - it is your decision to make. All our decisions in life have consequences. I guess you have to decide what's best for you."
She went ahead with the surgery.
The consequences, as I predicted were immediate and long lasting. I had to endure many office visits watching some other guy touching my wife's breasts, squeezing them, cupping them, over and over and over. I'll say - they look wonderful. She looks (I'll say it again again) perfect from head to toe, but I thought she was before the surgery.
Here's the deal. Shortly after the surgery, her world came crashing down. I got a call from her asking me to come home telling me only that she had done something "bad... really, really bad." A 45 minute drive home gave me time to work up all sorts of scenarios and how I would react... I fully expected her to tell me she had an affair... and I knew I wasn't ready for that.
Turned out, she was caught forging prescriptions. Unknown to me, she was addicted to pain pills for more than a year (after our son's c-section birth.) Her employer was giving her all the scripts she wanted... in a quid pro quo arrangement. She tells me there was never anything physical - she simply filled prescriptions in her name for him on occassion. When she quit doing things for him, he quit prescribing for her. She stole his prescription pad and wrote her own.
They didn't prosecute. She went to a methadone clinic and stayed in treatment for about a year. Then she wasn't getting enough and began to doctor shop.
She managed to get enough pills from our local MD to OD in August. Imagine, if you will, a woman who takes a combination of narcotics and anti-nausea medication so she wont' throw the narcotics back up.
Imagine this woman takes 20x the prescription amount and then gets behind the wheel of the car with our 5 year old in the back seat. Imagine what it was like for me to get the call saying, "Mr. ___, this is John. I'm an EMT and your wife is, unconscious and convulsing. Your daughter is here, we'll take her with us in the ambulance." Since I was an hour and a half out of town, that was one long drive back.
Turns out, she was pretty good at conning MDs out of pain pills. She managed to hit several.
I stood by her, I held her hand through all of it. She got a new job, and did well for a while. Then she got back in her old patterns. She managed to cheat the new computerize system at the new office and again made her own prescriptions.
That was the second OD... the second time she had to be in ICU... and the second time I had to pay staggering medical bills because of her poor decisions.
She started a program - Celebrate Recovery - a religious based group for those fighting addictions. She started their 12 step program... less than a month later, I got a call from her employer telling me he had to fire her for stealing prescriptions.
When the world came down this time, she was writing her own prescriptions and stealing money. She was taking between 50 and 60 ten mg Lortabs a day. That would be enough to kill most folks - including me. She spread it around to multiple pharmacies hoping not to get caught, but finally Walgreen's stopped her.
She got caught trying to use a co-worker's drivers license she had stolen. In lieu of charges, she agreed to go hospitalization. In the hospital, she started smoking, a habit stopped before we dated 10 years before.
While she was in the hospital, I made amends for her, replacing the money I found out she stole, and apologizing to every one of our friends I knew she had hurt. Sadly, this had huge career implications for me.. her coworker is a good friend and former co-worker of mine. He is in another company now, but we have a rather small community of folks and I am now the guy who hears "oh, it was his wife..."
I learned from family members how she had stolen from my mom and my sister - and how she had gone through medicine cabinets of our friends when we went to kids birthday parties, etc.
Out of the hospital, she did well for a few weeks - and then bottomed out again. My mom caught her rummaging through her pills.
Then she began lying about smoking when I caught on...
When the pills dried up, she went to the liquor store and bought vodka...
She drank and drove....
She began taking other pills.
She OD'ed in February.
She lied and bought more liquor.
I took her keys away at the explicit instructions of our company counselor and with the complete agreement of her 12 step sponsor.
The OD
When she OD'ed in February, it was pretty scary. I came home to a quite house. I found my six year old daughter and three year old son on the counter in the kitchen where she was trying to make him something to eat. She said he was hungry and she "couldn't get Momma to wake up."
I turned the corner and saw a dead woman sprawled out in my son's floor. Her face was swollen, her tongue was hanging out the side of her mouth she wasn't moving, she wasn't breathing - she looked dead. As I took a step into the room, she inhaled - so at least I knew she was alive. Her eyes were rolled back in her head, but her eyelids were about 1/3 the way open. Her breathing was about 2 a minute - she would violently inhale in what sounded like a loud snore and exhale.. then nothing for 30 seconds.
Her shirt was pulled up over her left breast and her pants were unbuttoned and partially unzipped - and there was some question in my mind if she had been attacked. My six year old told me she knew "Mom was having trouble breathing so she loosened her pants and tried to raise her shirt, but her bra unhooked in back... and Mom was too big for her to roll over to help loosen it. " My six year old was trying to help her Mom breath during this OD and when she couldn't, she tried to fix supper for my 3 year old.
I called her parents and they came over. Her Dad came in the room and thought she was dead, just as I did. I asked her Mom to take the kids out so they didn't see this.. and she did. I strongly and vigorously ran my knuckles up and down her sternum trying to use pain to rouse her. I tried it several times and as we were preparing to take her to the ER (again) she finally roused with one knuckle applied to her sternum.
She looked .... weird. She was stoned out of her mind. She couldn't remember how many kids she had, what year it was, who the President was... she denied taking any medication or doing anything wrong.... but this time - this time I got her "stumblies" on tape.
I wanted her to see how she looked and how ridiculous her denials were.
We sat with her until she quit telling us the President was Bill Clinton... and after several hours, she cleared her mind and we had a long talk.
I can't tell you how disappointed I was to see her do something so stupid and leave the kids vulnerable.
We went out, much to my surprise, as I kissed her hand good-night, she said she wanted to do it again. After I figured out it was impolite to stand there with my jaw open, I smiled so big it must have taken up 3/4 of my face.
On date 3, she told me she knew I was the right man for her. I choked - literally.
Of course, months later when it came down to it, I told her I loved her - and she replied "thank you." I should have known then.
It wasn't until weeks later she said those words to me, but... after a year of dating, I asked her father's permission, and a few days later I asked her to marry me in front of her entire family on Christmas morning. We got married and for six years we were incredibly happy. No joke - we never had a single argument.... not one.
A year after our son was born, she told me she wanted to have breast augmentation. She didn't ask what I thought, she simply made an appointment and went. She went to the surgeon next door to her office. It messed with me. She made such a monumental decision without even asking me, and when I asked her to reconsider, she refused. Since she refused to reconsider, I asked if she would at least choose a female surgeon... she refused that, too.
I can honestly say (though reading it here may sound trivial) - the decisions she made hurt more than the divorce. At least with the divorce, I knew she was mentally ill and that is why she tried to hurt me. This? This was being done by someone who purportedly loved me - but so completely marginalized me that I knew I no longer mattered.
The week of the surgery, she told me if I said "no" then she wouldn't but that she wouldn't forgive me. I replied " You know, I've never believed a man should rule over his wife. I believe everything should be a joint decision - a 50-50 partnership. If you feel so strongly about this you ignore my pleas, it doesn't matter what I say now. If I say 'no' - then you'll hold it against me for the rest of our lives. If I say 'yes' - I'm afraid I'll be haunted by it for the rest of my life. I've share with you my fears, my weakness - it is your decision to make. All our decisions in life have consequences. I guess you have to decide what's best for you."
She went ahead with the surgery.
The consequences, as I predicted were immediate and long lasting. I had to endure many office visits watching some other guy touching my wife's breasts, squeezing them, cupping them, over and over and over. I'll say - they look wonderful. She looks (I'll say it again again) perfect from head to toe, but I thought she was before the surgery.
Here's the deal. Shortly after the surgery, her world came crashing down. I got a call from her asking me to come home telling me only that she had done something "bad... really, really bad." A 45 minute drive home gave me time to work up all sorts of scenarios and how I would react... I fully expected her to tell me she had an affair... and I knew I wasn't ready for that.
Turned out, she was caught forging prescriptions. Unknown to me, she was addicted to pain pills for more than a year (after our son's c-section birth.) Her employer was giving her all the scripts she wanted... in a quid pro quo arrangement. She tells me there was never anything physical - she simply filled prescriptions in her name for him on occassion. When she quit doing things for him, he quit prescribing for her. She stole his prescription pad and wrote her own.
They didn't prosecute. She went to a methadone clinic and stayed in treatment for about a year. Then she wasn't getting enough and began to doctor shop.
She managed to get enough pills from our local MD to OD in August. Imagine, if you will, a woman who takes a combination of narcotics and anti-nausea medication so she wont' throw the narcotics back up.
Imagine this woman takes 20x the prescription amount and then gets behind the wheel of the car with our 5 year old in the back seat. Imagine what it was like for me to get the call saying, "Mr. ___, this is John. I'm an EMT and your wife is, unconscious and convulsing. Your daughter is here, we'll take her with us in the ambulance." Since I was an hour and a half out of town, that was one long drive back.
Turns out, she was pretty good at conning MDs out of pain pills. She managed to hit several.
I stood by her, I held her hand through all of it. She got a new job, and did well for a while. Then she got back in her old patterns. She managed to cheat the new computerize system at the new office and again made her own prescriptions.
That was the second OD... the second time she had to be in ICU... and the second time I had to pay staggering medical bills because of her poor decisions.
She started a program - Celebrate Recovery - a religious based group for those fighting addictions. She started their 12 step program... less than a month later, I got a call from her employer telling me he had to fire her for stealing prescriptions.
When the world came down this time, she was writing her own prescriptions and stealing money. She was taking between 50 and 60 ten mg Lortabs a day. That would be enough to kill most folks - including me. She spread it around to multiple pharmacies hoping not to get caught, but finally Walgreen's stopped her.
She got caught trying to use a co-worker's drivers license she had stolen. In lieu of charges, she agreed to go hospitalization. In the hospital, she started smoking, a habit stopped before we dated 10 years before.
While she was in the hospital, I made amends for her, replacing the money I found out she stole, and apologizing to every one of our friends I knew she had hurt. Sadly, this had huge career implications for me.. her coworker is a good friend and former co-worker of mine. He is in another company now, but we have a rather small community of folks and I am now the guy who hears "oh, it was his wife..."
I learned from family members how she had stolen from my mom and my sister - and how she had gone through medicine cabinets of our friends when we went to kids birthday parties, etc.
Out of the hospital, she did well for a few weeks - and then bottomed out again. My mom caught her rummaging through her pills.
Then she began lying about smoking when I caught on...
When the pills dried up, she went to the liquor store and bought vodka...
She drank and drove....
She began taking other pills.
She OD'ed in February.
She lied and bought more liquor.
I took her keys away at the explicit instructions of our company counselor and with the complete agreement of her 12 step sponsor.
The OD
When she OD'ed in February, it was pretty scary. I came home to a quite house. I found my six year old daughter and three year old son on the counter in the kitchen where she was trying to make him something to eat. She said he was hungry and she "couldn't get Momma to wake up."
I turned the corner and saw a dead woman sprawled out in my son's floor. Her face was swollen, her tongue was hanging out the side of her mouth she wasn't moving, she wasn't breathing - she looked dead. As I took a step into the room, she inhaled - so at least I knew she was alive. Her eyes were rolled back in her head, but her eyelids were about 1/3 the way open. Her breathing was about 2 a minute - she would violently inhale in what sounded like a loud snore and exhale.. then nothing for 30 seconds.
Her shirt was pulled up over her left breast and her pants were unbuttoned and partially unzipped - and there was some question in my mind if she had been attacked. My six year old told me she knew "Mom was having trouble breathing so she loosened her pants and tried to raise her shirt, but her bra unhooked in back... and Mom was too big for her to roll over to help loosen it. " My six year old was trying to help her Mom breath during this OD and when she couldn't, she tried to fix supper for my 3 year old.
I called her parents and they came over. Her Dad came in the room and thought she was dead, just as I did. I asked her Mom to take the kids out so they didn't see this.. and she did. I strongly and vigorously ran my knuckles up and down her sternum trying to use pain to rouse her. I tried it several times and as we were preparing to take her to the ER (again) she finally roused with one knuckle applied to her sternum.
She looked .... weird. She was stoned out of her mind. She couldn't remember how many kids she had, what year it was, who the President was... she denied taking any medication or doing anything wrong.... but this time - this time I got her "stumblies" on tape.
I wanted her to see how she looked and how ridiculous her denials were.
We sat with her until she quit telling us the President was Bill Clinton... and after several hours, she cleared her mind and we had a long talk.
I can't tell you how disappointed I was to see her do something so stupid and leave the kids vulnerable.
2. Ever have one of those lifetimes?
The odd thing about sitting here and pressing these keys is - my life is no different than anyone else's. Everyone has their own set of challenges to face, their own problems, their own hurts. I realize no one else in the world really cares what's happening in my world at the moment, but here I sit, plugging away on this keyboard with its clickety-click-click, putting thoughts to screen in some sort of odd dance of "hope no one ever sees this" and "hope someone who has been there offers sound advice.."
Ok - here's the backstory.
I had a great life as a kid - no hidden hurts, no problems from the past haunting me today - nothing. My family is close and I feel fortunate to have a large, loving extended family.
College:
While in college, I got a reputation for being a "nice guy" - a guy who took care of more than one woman who could no longer take care of herself - and I never took advantage of a situation. Not because I didn't want to - but because I didn't want to hurt someone for an evening's moment pleasure. To this day, I've never told a girl "I love you" if I didn't love her. That's occurred twice in my life... (although recent circumstances make the number unlikely to stay at two.)
At college, we had a 7 to 1 ratio of girls to guys. I was never at a loss for a date - but I don't think most of our Y-chromosomes were. I treated each girl I was with with respect. I held to a vow I made in High School - I could do anything up to (but not including) sex... until I was in love.
I'm not saying I didn't have fun running right up to the line and tip-toeing along it, but I never crossed it. I kept my vow - in an odd sort of way.
When in my Junior year I fell in love, I thought "finally, I made it." She was a drop-dead beauty, an incoming freshman at another local university. We went out for a few months, and I was head-over-heels... and then she broke my heart. She visited her girl friend on campus and wound up sleeping with some guys visiting that friend. Not only that, the dorm windows were open and this mutual friend yelled down to me what was going on... That dear reader, was my first heartbreak. A week later, the mutual friend showed up at my door wearing nothing but a trench coat and told me she had orchestrated it to break us up.. so that I would go out with her instead. Despite every man's dream of a naked woman standing before him in a trench coat offering him whatever he wanted... I closed the door.
Later that night, another freshman came over and although I had turned her down before, I was no longer 'dating' anyone - so I went out. We wound up in her dorm room and for whatever reason that night, she asked and I said "sure, why not." I felt like I had been faithful to my vow - even if it wasn't with the person I fell for. It wasn't revenge or getting even - we were broken up and there was no chance we would ever get back together. I saw Donna twice more in the coming days.
[You know, when you say this out loud, that whole story only takes about 15 seconds...]
A couple of weeks later, the girl I fell for called, and then came over. She apologized for her unfaithfulness, said she loved me - that she always had, she got drunk and did something stupid. She swore it would never happen again. Like a moron, I took her back.
When I got out of school, I moved to another state and we had a long distance relationship while she remained a student. My friends from the area tried to warn me of some erratic behavior, but I didn't listen. We got married, and no joke, on day two, while I was driving down the highway in Florida, she beat, kicked, and clawed me. Want to know why? I asked where she got the pair of earrings she was wearing, and I asked if they were new.
That's it.
Ten minutes after the temper tantrum, she did the typical abuser thing - apologizing, promising it wouldn't happen again, and then doing little favors to try to make up for it. She blamed it on the stress of the wedding.
All I could think was I should have listened to my friends.
A long time ago, I had never heard of a woman abusing her husband. I kept thinking - 'who will ever believe a tiny 110lb woman is beating up this 225lb man?' After her first suicide attempt (notice 'first') she was diagnosed as bi-polar. She refused to take her medication and became more violent. The physical abuse was nothing compared to the torturous mind-games she played.
She called me every unflattering name in the book - and repeatedly told me she only married me to get out of her mom & dad's house. She told me she wanted a divorce about once a week. Again, no kidding, on Valentine's Day she again told me she wanted a divorce and this time - after three long years I said "fine. I can't do this anymore."
You have to understand, that violated her rules. I was always supposed to put up an argument of why we should stay married - and how we could work it out. When I didn't beg and pleade, she went on a rampage around the house, breaking things - especially searching for sentimental gifts from my grandma and destroying them. Then she locked herself in the bathroom and swallowed every pill in the medicine cabinet... every single one.
By the time the EMTs arrived, she was unconscious. They pumped her stomach and I had her involuntarily committed. That three year tour of Hell actually taught me several valuable lessons.
A year after the divorce, I learned she had four affairs. Oddly enough, that was the first moment I became angry. Not so much at the affairs - but how I found out. You see, I found out she had been treated for an STD while we were married. When I called her about it - she then admitted to four extra-marital relationships (that's when I learned how many) during our 3 year marriage.
She was, and still is, mentally ill. She called a year ago and said something about I was the only man she ever loved and she wanted me to know "I killed her." Not knowing what that meant - and since she hung up, I called her local police department. They called me later to tell me she was just enjoying her second bottle of Jim Beam... and I shouldn't worry about it.
After the divorce, I dated several folks, and got my heart crushed by the first person who treated me nice for three days straight. I decided I would take a year off - no dates, no women, nothing but me getting back who I was before that painful learning experience.
After the year was up I had fun dating - kept it light since I wasn't in the mood for anything serious and just enjoyed myself... and then I found my wife. She was incredible.
A true blond bombshell in every sense of the word. I didn't ask her out for an entire year because she was out of my league.
Ok - here's the backstory.
I had a great life as a kid - no hidden hurts, no problems from the past haunting me today - nothing. My family is close and I feel fortunate to have a large, loving extended family.
College:
While in college, I got a reputation for being a "nice guy" - a guy who took care of more than one woman who could no longer take care of herself - and I never took advantage of a situation. Not because I didn't want to - but because I didn't want to hurt someone for an evening's moment pleasure. To this day, I've never told a girl "I love you" if I didn't love her. That's occurred twice in my life... (although recent circumstances make the number unlikely to stay at two.)
At college, we had a 7 to 1 ratio of girls to guys. I was never at a loss for a date - but I don't think most of our Y-chromosomes were. I treated each girl I was with with respect. I held to a vow I made in High School - I could do anything up to (but not including) sex... until I was in love.
I'm not saying I didn't have fun running right up to the line and tip-toeing along it, but I never crossed it. I kept my vow - in an odd sort of way.
When in my Junior year I fell in love, I thought "finally, I made it." She was a drop-dead beauty, an incoming freshman at another local university. We went out for a few months, and I was head-over-heels... and then she broke my heart. She visited her girl friend on campus and wound up sleeping with some guys visiting that friend. Not only that, the dorm windows were open and this mutual friend yelled down to me what was going on... That dear reader, was my first heartbreak. A week later, the mutual friend showed up at my door wearing nothing but a trench coat and told me she had orchestrated it to break us up.. so that I would go out with her instead. Despite every man's dream of a naked woman standing before him in a trench coat offering him whatever he wanted... I closed the door.
Later that night, another freshman came over and although I had turned her down before, I was no longer 'dating' anyone - so I went out. We wound up in her dorm room and for whatever reason that night, she asked and I said "sure, why not." I felt like I had been faithful to my vow - even if it wasn't with the person I fell for. It wasn't revenge or getting even - we were broken up and there was no chance we would ever get back together. I saw Donna twice more in the coming days.
[You know, when you say this out loud, that whole story only takes about 15 seconds...]
A couple of weeks later, the girl I fell for called, and then came over. She apologized for her unfaithfulness, said she loved me - that she always had, she got drunk and did something stupid. She swore it would never happen again. Like a moron, I took her back.
When I got out of school, I moved to another state and we had a long distance relationship while she remained a student. My friends from the area tried to warn me of some erratic behavior, but I didn't listen. We got married, and no joke, on day two, while I was driving down the highway in Florida, she beat, kicked, and clawed me. Want to know why? I asked where she got the pair of earrings she was wearing, and I asked if they were new.
That's it.
Ten minutes after the temper tantrum, she did the typical abuser thing - apologizing, promising it wouldn't happen again, and then doing little favors to try to make up for it. She blamed it on the stress of the wedding.
All I could think was I should have listened to my friends.
A long time ago, I had never heard of a woman abusing her husband. I kept thinking - 'who will ever believe a tiny 110lb woman is beating up this 225lb man?' After her first suicide attempt (notice 'first') she was diagnosed as bi-polar. She refused to take her medication and became more violent. The physical abuse was nothing compared to the torturous mind-games she played.
She called me every unflattering name in the book - and repeatedly told me she only married me to get out of her mom & dad's house. She told me she wanted a divorce about once a week. Again, no kidding, on Valentine's Day she again told me she wanted a divorce and this time - after three long years I said "fine. I can't do this anymore."
You have to understand, that violated her rules. I was always supposed to put up an argument of why we should stay married - and how we could work it out. When I didn't beg and pleade, she went on a rampage around the house, breaking things - especially searching for sentimental gifts from my grandma and destroying them. Then she locked herself in the bathroom and swallowed every pill in the medicine cabinet... every single one.
By the time the EMTs arrived, she was unconscious. They pumped her stomach and I had her involuntarily committed. That three year tour of Hell actually taught me several valuable lessons.
A year after the divorce, I learned she had four affairs. Oddly enough, that was the first moment I became angry. Not so much at the affairs - but how I found out. You see, I found out she had been treated for an STD while we were married. When I called her about it - she then admitted to four extra-marital relationships (that's when I learned how many) during our 3 year marriage.
She was, and still is, mentally ill. She called a year ago and said something about I was the only man she ever loved and she wanted me to know "I killed her." Not knowing what that meant - and since she hung up, I called her local police department. They called me later to tell me she was just enjoying her second bottle of Jim Beam... and I shouldn't worry about it.
After the divorce, I dated several folks, and got my heart crushed by the first person who treated me nice for three days straight. I decided I would take a year off - no dates, no women, nothing but me getting back who I was before that painful learning experience.
After the year was up I had fun dating - kept it light since I wasn't in the mood for anything serious and just enjoyed myself... and then I found my wife. She was incredible.
A true blond bombshell in every sense of the word. I didn't ask her out for an entire year because she was out of my league.
1. My First Entry....
I wonder how this is all going to play out - there's some pretty damning things in my life (especially right now.) I don't know I can be completely open and honest here and actually pen the things on my heart and mind without fear of being discovered by someone in my world idly reading this blog scanning for their name and any salacious information.
Should I skip names altogether and refer to the people in my life by some preposterous pseudonym? I'm sure there's some cardinal "blog-law" that tells me I should, but I'm certain someone would take offense at whatever reference I chose.
Too, there is a danger someone reads this, and assumes - without identifiable names -my thoughts relate to them - when in fact they may have nothing to do with them at all. I especially fear hurting feelings of those in my life - and would never want a simple misidentificaiton to create a rift in an otherwise good relationship.
I suppose if this is supposed to allow me distill my thoughts, I'll have to write on the assumption that my life is so utterly boring and my thoughts so completely valueless - that no one will ever get past the first paragraph. Sadly, that's probably the truth anyway.
If however, someone, somewhere, sometime stumbles across this meaningless drivel, would you be kind enough to at least add a note and let me know you were here? If we know one another, I can be appropriately embarrassed and avoid social contact until I'm a bit grayer on top and senility robs me of the memory I ever wrote an entry anyway...
Should I skip names altogether and refer to the people in my life by some preposterous pseudonym? I'm sure there's some cardinal "blog-law" that tells me I should, but I'm certain someone would take offense at whatever reference I chose.
Too, there is a danger someone reads this, and assumes - without identifiable names -my thoughts relate to them - when in fact they may have nothing to do with them at all. I especially fear hurting feelings of those in my life - and would never want a simple misidentificaiton to create a rift in an otherwise good relationship.
I suppose if this is supposed to allow me distill my thoughts, I'll have to write on the assumption that my life is so utterly boring and my thoughts so completely valueless - that no one will ever get past the first paragraph. Sadly, that's probably the truth anyway.
If however, someone, somewhere, sometime stumbles across this meaningless drivel, would you be kind enough to at least add a note and let me know you were here? If we know one another, I can be appropriately embarrassed and avoid social contact until I'm a bit grayer on top and senility robs me of the memory I ever wrote an entry anyway...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)