4. Living (sort of) with an addict.

Although she had OD and had developed a problem with liquor, I thought she was doing pretty well. Several weeks of being clean - she had her keys back. Her brother and sister in law we're in a fight and she went to spend the evening consoling him.

The Men and the Liquor
That night, she left a family birthday party to "console her brother." I left a bit later and said I was on my way over to lend aid and comfort.. and she said 'no, they were just going to drive around.' Ok.. I figured they wanted brother/sister time. At 9:30, they came to the house and I figured they were coming to veg for a bit. She said she came home to use the restroom, and they were going to drive around a bit longer.

Turned out, the reason she told me "no" was because they were going to a local Mexican restaurant here in our local town where she knew she could get a beer. She only came home to get money she had stolen from my wallet earlier and she and her brother planned to go to a club.

At 12:30AM when I hadn't heard from them, I called her cell. At 1:00, and 1:15, I called again. Since she said they were just 'driving around' and I still hadn't heard from them, at 1:30AM I drove the roads between our house and where her brother was staying, 1.5 miles away. Nothing.

1:45, 2:00, and 2:15 - no answer. Finally at 2:30AM her brother answered her cell phone and he was drunk. She finally got home at 3:15AM - and then began yelling at me. She told me I had no right to be upset with her that she could do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted.

It took several days for the truth to come out. When her father learned of what had happened, he chewed his son up one side and down the other. You see, her brother knew she had a problem with alcohol.. he knew she was an addict. He didn't care, he did what he wanted to do. He called the next day and apologized.... and spilled the beans.

Not only was her brother there, but she called her best friend to join her. The problem for her is this: she lied (no surprise) and told me she didn't think to call me.. it was a spur of the moment decision and her brother wanted to do it.

Her brother didn't see it the same way. He told me it was her idea, and he wanted me to go too, but she didn't. He also told me about some guy she was dancing with and how she disappeared for periods of time.

She finally told me she danced once with 'some guy' - but her best friend said it wasn't one dance.. it was all night and they were dancing 'close.' Later I found out she left the bar, and went with some guy on the back of his motorcycle. Since she lied about it to begin with, then lied about the details once I knew of it, and only finally confessed to the rest of things once confronted with evidence.. her protests of innocence were completely lost.

To this day, I don't buy her story of I didn't touch another guy. Too many lies.

I told her all the lies she had told - even though I had stood with her through every ordeal.... had changed our relationship. I reminded her, I never called her names, I never said she was stupid, I never demeaned her in anyway - I did everything in my power to keep her from prison, and I had spent many hours holding her hand as she went through withdrawals. I had loved her and taken care of her - and she still couldn't be honest with me. I could work with her through the addictions and the alcoholism - but not the lying.

Six weeks ago her phone beeps with a new text. I opened it for her (as we often do with each others phones) and was going to tell her to call whoever texted her. Imagine my surprise when I see a reply in her received texts... to "Hey Baby."

I then see a whole long back & forth of texts to and from a local teenager. "Hey baby" and "love you" - all of a sudden some things that I had noticed at home made sense. Several of the local teenager boys were just walking into our house liked they owned it. No knocking, no doorbell... and when they came in, if I was there, they asked "Is ___ here?"

I then found a stain on our bedspread - no proof, but it was a semen stain. I can't say it wasn't mine, but knowing the infrequency of our love life - I certainly didn't remember it. She swore it wasn't what I thought it was, and that the text messages were innocent... but after three weeks of cold showers she wanted to 'make it up' to me by having sex. Later I made some comment how long it had been, and her reply (honest to God) was "Relax! Its only been three days."

I asked "three days for whom? Certainly not me. You care to explain?"

With the addiction, the alcoholism, and her continual pleas to remain married, I told her there was no trust left. If she had nothing to hide, then hide nothing. If she wanted me to stay after all the crap she pulled and the lies she told - especially involving men.

She hasn't - and she OD'ed again last Sunday night. She downed 15 Xanax all at once. When I found her, she was still awake, but obviously in trouble. I poured syrup of ipecac down her throat and made her throw up the pills.

I told her I'm done. I no longer feel what I should feel for my wife. I told her the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy. I said I have three kids - one of them is just in her 30s and is incredibly selfish. I said I had done everything possible as a husband, as a friend, and as a man to help her. I could walk away now and not feel guilt or have attacks of the "what if I had done____."

I told her she doesn't want to stop, she just wants to stop getting caught.